9th May 2012
- OH, SHIT. I just remembered that my grandfather has not learned of my transition yet. Definitely gonna see him this weekend for my brother’s college graduation. Fuuuuuuuuuccckkkkk.
- I don’t handle interferences in my routine well. I wish I could just up and leave town without worry, or just go to a family reunion without these confusing knots in my stomach full of anxiety about HOW FUCKING AWKWARD it might be.
- I refuse to shave my face!
- Dear self: Please try to be brave enough not to shave your facial hair you’re so excited about finally having. *gulp*
- There will be racist jokes. There will be racial slurs and general racist language and banter. THIS WILL HAPPEN. What am I going to do this time? Last time, I sat there silently, steaming, shaking—- but silent. I need a game plan…
- Bets on how long it’ll take to her the first Tom Gabels “tranny” joke?? I’d rather hear that shit than anything racist. I can handle that— I can control that pain. But it’s all interconnected. I can’t be silent this time. If they make “tranny” jokes, I have to speak up. Because speaking up about ANY FORM of oppression will set a precedent with them, one which signifies that I won’t sit through their ignorant shit regardless of how pertinent it is to my immediate person. BREATHE.
- My whole family doesn’t do this all the time. Some people do this often, but not always. Others do it all the time. Everyone does it occasionally. The ones that do it least are those I’m closest to. I’m worried I’ll be more likely to explode on those I’m most comfortable with even though it’s the others who deserve my wrath MORE. I need to be aware of that and act accordingly.
- I love my family. I really am looking forward to seeing them. I really do enjoy my time with them. I need to chill the fuck out.